Settle

Well here I am, sitting in my apartment in Taichung, Taiwan. I've been here over two weeks now, and in some ways it seems like the time has flown by while at the same time as if I've been here forever.

It's a beautiful place. Cultures come together. Lives are being changed. God is at work. Paul DeNeui would be happy to know that I'm under no illusions that God waited until I showed up to be at work- nope, God showed up here a long time ago. I'm blessed to be a part of the work here and learn from the others who have been serving in Taiwan for so long.

During my first week here we were talking about transition stuff and I had an epiphany. As a TCK I have never really settled anywhere. When people talk about transition phases, we talk about being engaged somewhere, going through phases of transition, and then re-engaging. But when you are aware that you may be leaving somewhere you begin transitioning out, and I have never lived anywhere that I didn't know I was leaving. I don't know what it means to be truly engaged in a community, because I am always planning on leaving. What's weird about Taichung is that for the first time in my life there is the POSSIBILITY of engagement. I could potentially settle here and not leave for a very long time. I have no idea how long I'll be here, but I'm not PLANNING on leaving. It's a strange thing, and I'm not quite sure how to cope with it, but I do know that it gives me hope. Hope that for the first time I might really be able to fully invest in a place. But I'm also afraid. I'm afraid that I just don't know how to engage and that this perfectionist will fail miserably in her attempts to do so.

As I was reading my devotional passage for the day I realized that, just like so many other times, God had the perfect passage for me today. I almost skipped it in the laziness that comes before knowing that my job is about to start in full force, but by the grace of God this is one day I did not skip the Covenant Home Altar's scripture reading.

Psalm 107:1-9 & 43

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever. Let the redeemed of the Lord say this-- those he redeemed from the hand of the foe, those he gathered from the lands, form east and west, from north and south. Some wandered in desert wastelands, finding no way to a city where they could settle. They were hungry and thirsty, and their lives ebbed away. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things... Whoever is wise, let him heed these things and consider the great love of the Lord." 

WOW! In so many ways, this is my story. Beth was living in the desert and couldn't settle anywhere, then she cried out to God and he led her to a city where she could settle. The future is yet to be seen, but this I know- God has led me to a city where I could settle. I don't know how this will all play out, but I trust that God's love is unfailing and I plan to consider the great love of the Lord now and always.

Who May Live on Your Holy Hill?

Who may live on your holy hill?

This is the question that the psalmist asks in verse one of the fifteenth Psalm. It seems kind of ambiguous, right? I mean, what is 'God's holy hill?' Maybe it's His presence, maybe it's in the center of His will, maybe it's where He's at work, maybe it's on an international school campus in the middle of Taichung, Taiwan.

Wait, I want to live on God's holy hill!!!!! Pick me, pick me!

Psalm 15

A psalm of David.

Lord, who may dwell in your sanctuary? 

Who may live on your holy hill? 

He wose walk is blameless

and who does what is righteous, 

who speaks the truth from his heart

and has no slander on his tongue, 

who does his neighbor no wrong

and casts no slur on his fellowman, 

who despises a vile man

but honors those who fear the Lord, 

who keeps his oath

even when it hurts, 

who lends his money without usury

and does not accept a bribe against the innocent. 

He who does these things

will never be shaken.

This is the Word of the Lord. Thanks be to God.

A special thanks to The Covenant Home Altar for leading me to this particular Psalm at this particular moment in my life. Well, actually, thanks be to God for that, but thanks to the people who made the Altar and were used by God :) 

As I read this psalm I couldn't help but think, isn't Morrison God's holy hill at this moment in my life? I mean, I know it's right in the center of God's will for me at this time and I know that it's a holy place that God has set aside for His holy work to be done. I think it qualifies, which means that the psalmist is asking questions that I should definitely pay attention to and giving me priceless advice. Sweet! Now I know how to be successful here, right? I have the secret code to unlock fruitful ministry. Easy peasy lemon squeasy. Kind of. Until I read the advice and see how darn hard it is. Seriously? 

I'm supposed to be blameless and do what is righteous? What does that even mean? What about that TV show that I like so much, it helps me live a blameless life right? Hmmm, well maybe not ALL of them do... Darn! 

I'm supposed to speak truth from my heart and not slander? Well the truth part is easy, right? I mean I've never had a problem giving my honest opinion... but that from the heart part is a bit annoying. You mean it matters how I speak the truth? Uh oh! And I have to speak the truth without slandering anyone... This is getting difficult ;) NEXT!

Hmm not wrong my neighbor or slur other people. What does it mean to be a good neighbor? I think I'm going to have to figure that out... maybe it starts with knowing who my neighbors are (as I was proofreading this my neighbor came and introduced herself, yay!!!!)? And boy oh boy in a small community like this I'd better get good at not slurring other people!!!!! Pretty wise advice... 

Despise vile people but honor those who fear the Lord- check. Oh wait, I'm pretty sure I don't do a great job of despising vile (sinful, evil) people, in fact sometimes I put them up on a pedestal and admire them! And certainly I'm not sure how to despise anyone without slurring them. And sometimes the people who fear the Lord the most irk me the most, because they show me just how sinful I am. Errgghh!

Keep promises even when it hurts. Like continuing to sponsor Elysee in Congo no matter what? Supporting all the missionaries that I've promised to when I figure out my finances here? Honoring my oath to God to live an intentional lifestyle? Honoring my oath to Morrison and the students here to love them and do my job to the best of my ability by the grace of God? To love even those students who will drive me crazy? I've made a lot of promises...

Lend money without interest (or even expecting it back) and not accept bribes. So basically I need to be generous. Hmm I think I can honestly say generosity is pretty second nature to me, but that also probably means it's exactly where the opposition will target me. I can't seem to catch a break...

If you made it to the end of this you probably feel exhausted, me too! If I want to remain here and have God use me in ministry is seems like there are a lot of things I need to work on... 

Suddenly I'm feeling very helpless, and I think that's right where God wants me. 

I cannot do any of this on my own. Only by the grace of God can I stay in His presence- it is a gift. I can strive to live the life He requires of me, but I will fail often. 

I will be a bad neighbor. 

I will gossip about someone. 

I will break my promises. 

But God is gracious and will forgive. This does not give me license to be lazy in seeking to live according to God's Word, but it does allow the perfectionist in me to not give up hope. And there is a promise at the end of all of this: 

He (or she!) who does these things will never be shaken. 

By God's grace he has allowed me to be in His holy sanctuary and reside on His holy hill. By His grace may I always remain in His presence and at the center of His will. This is my prayer for myself and for you as well. 

Only by the grace of God! 

How Lucky I Am

The author of Winnie the Pooh once wrote, “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." As I hold my passport, print my boarding passes, and say goodbye to loved ones I can't help but reflect on the truth of this quote. 

I move a lot. Not as much as some people, but enough that I like to pretend that saying goodbye is NOT hard. But the truth is, that saying goodbye is always hard, and for that I am actually thankful. 

I'm thankful because I have people in my life wherever I go that are special to me and I don't want to say goodbye to. Leaving California after six years means that I have to leave many people with whom I've forged deep relationships. There are roommates, friends, and professors from college who will no longer be a two hour drive away. There is my Oak Hills Covenant Church family who I've worked and done ministry alongside in a very intense manner this year. There is my extended family who have sacrificed so much for me and always showered me with unconditional love. There are aging grandparents. There is Keith left in San Diego without the rest of the Stokers, and his girlfriend, Hillary, who I have only just begun to know but already cherish as an important part of my family. There is Brian in Washington D.C. far from any family. There are my parents who left for Cameroun a week ago. There is a new cousin due in September who I will not be around to greet. 

As I've been counting the things that make saying goodbye so hard I've realized that what I am really doing is counting my blessings, one by one. My cup overflows. The God who was faithful to provide in Zaire, Cameroun, and California will also be faithful as I move to Taiwan. While I grieve over saying goodbye (especially at the heart wrenching picture of my grandparents hugging and waving goodbye in my rearview mirror) I am looking forward to this new adventure with hope-filled anticipation. 

God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good! 

The One About Childhood Trauma

As I've been preparing to head to Taiwan to work at Morrison Academy in Taichung for (at least) the next two years, I've had a lot of time for self-reflection and such. It's been great to think about things that I don't normally make the time to think about, but I have to say that there have been some pretty rough things that I've had to work through. The following is a brief window into some of the reflecting I've been doing. The facts might not all be accurate, because this is a story beginning through the eyes of a seven year old. My prayer is that my story, the good, the bad, and the ugly, may serve as a catalyst for myself and others to help the next generation avoid some of the pain we endured. God has been gracious to me, and for this I am grateful. I am also eternally grateful for my parents, brothers, extended family, missionary aunt & uncles, and friends who have helped me on the journey of life thus far.

Here is just a short excerpt of my story thus far:

I was evacuated. If you know me, you probably already knew that. In fact, you probably even already know that I was evacuated twice within just a few months. If you know me well (or the situation I was involved in at the time) you also probably know that I was never in any ‘real’ danger. I never had a gun pointed at my head. I never had anyone break into my home while I was there. I was never the physical victim of unruly soldiers. No one close to me died in my evacuation experience. 

I was also a child. 

Let me repeat that, I was a child. 

When I was in second grade my whole life was turned upside down. I was an odd kid, and if you know me you probably think I’m at least somewhat of an odd adult. See, from a very young age I had at least the first 18 years of my life mapped out. I was born in Zaire, the now Democratic Republic of Congo. I was going to be baptized in Zaire within walking distance from the hospital where I was born. I was going to graduate from high school at the school where my mom was the principal. I would probably live there my whole life and hopefully get married and have my kids there. I was a little girl with big dreams, and then one day they were all gone. Well maybe not one day, I think there’s a novelist who writes something about how falling in love happens slowly, and then all at once, maybe my childhood dreams being crushed was something like that. 

It all changed when this little country to the east, Rwanda, had a genocide and a civil war that spilled into Eastern Congo. Of course, if we’re being honest it really started long before that. It started when the first explorers came to Congo and settled there to do research. It started when the world allowed Belgium to rule over Congo and ‘care’ for its people. It started when the US (and other people) ‘freed’ Congo from its captors and handed the country over to the dictator Mobutu. It started when Mobutu followed in the footsteps of the Belgians and kept Congo (what should be the wealthiest country in Africa based on natural resources) as a poor nation because he did not share the wealth the people acquired for him with the people themselves. It started when Mobutu got sick and fled the country. It started when Kabila crossed the border. It happened slowly, and then all at once. 

This is my story, but it’s not only my story. It’s the story of the hundreds of kids around the world who have been forced to leave the only place they’ve ever called ‘home.’ It’s the story of the thousands and thousands of Congolese who have died, who have watched their children carry guns, who have watched their children starve, who have watched their infrastructure crumble, and who hold onto hope despite all odds. That’s the story of Congo and many other countries. I am a part of that story, though not a large part. What I have come to understand is that although I am just a small drop in the bucket of that story, I am still a part of it and my experience is valid. My trauma is different from that of many other people, but that does not mean I don’t have trauma. Just because other people have gone through worse things, that does not mean what I went through was not bad. No child should ever have to listen to gunshots in their neighborhood. My experience was not nearly as bad as it could have been, but it is still my trauma. 

Tonight I went through a counseling session using the EMDR tool. In this experience my fingers tingled to type my story. My feet longed to run away, or more truthfully to run back toward something I had left. My eyes drifted to the left and I stared, unblinking, for an unnatural amount of time at absolutely nothing. That was my first word: nothing. I feel nothing when I am staring in that way. My next word: safe. I feel safe when I tune out the world around me, when I ignore all the things I cannot control. My next word: helpless. I am a seven year old girl, and I have no power to help the people around me or to even stay and be one with them. As I remembered these feelings of helplessness, of wanting to help but simply not being able to my body was wracked with sobs louder than any I can remember. My whole body grieved. And then this,

A truth spoken into my life: I was powerless, but I am no longer that little girl. 

I am a woman now. I am an intelligent, gifted, and privileged young woman who has the power to make a difference in other children’s lives. I can’t go back; I can’t change the hurt that happened in Congo or the fact that I simply could not help. What I can do is figure out where in the world I can help now. I can love the students I am going to serve in Taiwan, and I can always, always keep a part of my heart and soul attuned to Congo and ready to serve in whatever way God calls me to. 

My journey is not yet complete. My grieving is not over. But after 16 years maybe, just maybe, I can get rid of the ropes that are binding me and move forward in new strength because of what I experienced. 

All this by the grace of God. 

A World of Acronyms

You may have noticed that my last post contained a lot of acronyms. The truth is that I think from here on out acronyms will kind of be my status quo. Missionaries LOVE (that's not an acronym) acronyms. I don't know why, but it's the truth. Right now I'm here at PFO (Pre-Field Orientation)- I have to admit that after attending METE (see my last post) the term "field" rubs me slightly the wrong way- it was pointed out to me that it's a slightly militaristic term, so CWM (see last post) stopped using the term because we don't want to see missionaries as trying to take over or conquer other nations. Semantics I suppose. The people here at PFO really don't want that either and I suppose that's not a conversation for this blog.

PFO is run by ACSI (Association of Christian Schools International)- are you confused yet? There are lots of reasons for this training, but I think its primary goal is to help people learn how best to minister to TCKs (Third Culture Kids- the new 'normal' perhaps?). Everyone who is at this training is going to be working with TCKs in some direct way: teaching, boarding, or raising their own TCK children. It's pretty cool actually. It's cool to see so many people learning about this less and less rare breed of human who we call the TCK. Those of us who have grown up between cultures, absorbing multiple cultures during the formative years of our lives (google Dave Pollock and his research on TCKs for more info). It's therapeutic for me to hear more about the TCK experience, to shed tears, give thanks, and to laugh at the crazy things we do. There are more than sixty adults here for two weeks learning about who TCKs are and some unique ways they can be ministered to, and I'm excited to think about how much better prepared this generation will be to work with TCKs than the ones who came before. Don't get me wrong, I was one of the lucky ones whose parents and community 'got it' and helped me cope with the TCK experience well, but I'm hopeful that it means some mistakes of the past can be avoided and we can better prepare TCKs for their unique challenges and opportunities that lay ahead. Of course, we are after all still human so I'm sure we'll just make new mistakes, but I'm choosing to be optimistic at this point!

Here too we're learning more about our personalities and communication styles. I never really liked these sorts of things before, I was the typical TCK who didn't want to be put into a box I suppose. But now I'm starting to like them. In fact, I can't stop talking about them. I think these tests do several things for me: 1)they bring me self-awareness; 2)they help me to have more grace with myself; 3)they give me a vocabulary for talking about things in myself that I like and dislike; 4)they help me understand others better; and 5)they have the potential to help me make steps toward being the me God created me to be. So I'd say they're pretty cool all around. In case you were wondering, my MBTI is ISFJ- so basically I'm a people person who is very responsible and organized. That goes along pretty well with the 1 from my enneagram as well as my strengths that I found in the strengths finder a few years ago (which I think I should take again!). Oh and I'm an introvert- I bet you didn't know that! Okay, maybe some of you knew that, but since I'm pretty talkative once I get to know people and stand up for what I believe in people typically think I'm an extrovert. I'm not, I swear! :)

We're less than a week into PFO and already there are a million things to dig through and process. I think the best part of this time though is the new friendships that I'm making. I found that was true at METE as well, but this time it's more encouraging because I'm becoming friends with people who will actually be in Taiwan with me, some of whom will even be on the Taichung campus! So that's pretty exciting. Check out this picture of three of my new favorite little girls and me hanging out watching a soccer game:

I'm not gonna lie- I'm getting pretty excited to head to Taiwan (less than a month!!!!!!). I'm also getting more nervous about going to a completely new place, learning a new language, starting a new job, and making all new friends. But I love the friends I've made so far, I'm excited for a new adventure, I can't believe I get paid to do the job I've been called to, and by God's grace I WILL learn the language and fall in love with the culture and people in Taiwan. I'm being reminded to build my RAFT (Reconciliation, Affirmation, Farewells, Think Destination), which is something I did not do when I moved away from high school. Miss Crossley (ahem, Mrs. Anderson) will be thrilled to hear that I actually do remember her teaching us that back at RFIS, so if you see her, tell her thanks for me :) 

My biggest challenges at the moment? Saying goodbye well and starting to learn the language so I'm not completely overwhelmed when I get there. Say a little prayer for me! Oh, and come visit me in Taichung sometime after July! 

METE

METE- Missionary Equipping and Training Event.
ECC- Evangelical Covenant Church.
CWM- Covenant World Mission (NOT MissionS).
FOWM- Friends of World Mission.
RC- Regional Coordinator

"What the heck?" I know that's what you're thinking.

This is a snapshot of my last two weeks (I could share MANY other acronyms with you). Did I mention that the mission I'm partnering with to go to Taiwan and teach at Morrison Academy has TONS of acronyms? Lucky for me I grew up in the ECC and CWM and therefore seem to have known most of them BEFORE training started- bummer for all the people who didn't! We learned about a million other things as well and my brain is absolutely full to the brim. I can't even begin to describe the last two weeks, but I'm going to try anyways, so here it is:

New friends. But seriously. There's something about spending 8-12 hrs/day for two weeks that can really draw you together. At this training event there were 7 (kind of 8) other missionary candidates, a 10-month old baby (who was pretty much the only thing that kept us all from going insane during those long days), myself, and dozens of people training us. We are all headed to Asia or South America and we're all passionate about very different things and have very different life stories. Have I ever mentioned that I love diversity and believe that only in that diversity can we experience the fullness of God's love and very nature? Diversity comes in many different forms, race is just one representation of it but...

We spent a lot of time learning about racial righteousness and doing missions well and intercultural communication. How about this idea from Soong-Chan Rah: We need to stop helping people out or up but instead help them across. Chew on that for a minute and see what you think. Are we doing ministry well with those who are different from ourselves? This is just one nugget of truth that has stuck with me from the past two weeks about intercultural interactions. Loved it.

Another thing I loved, getting to spend time catching up with old friends and debriefing everything I was learning or discussing during the day with them at night. Oh, and playing with the year-old baby of the Einfeldts, who are like family to me. Oh and catching up with other friends and going to a Sox game and watching a Blackhawks game and laughing. I love to laugh. I love being with people who make me laugh at myself. I want to laugh more often. Have I lost you yet?

Hmm let's see, what else can I confuse you with. The Enneagram! I'm a 1 with a 2 wing and when I'm stressed I go to a 4 and when I'm relaxed I go to a 7. So if you want to psychoanalyze me you can look up what the Enneagram is and see how to get along better with my strange self. But seriously, this is the best personality test I've ever taken. I highly recommend it. WEPSS.COM It's $10, pretty accurate, very interesting, and may just help you be a better person and work well with others. If you have to hang out with me very often, please take it, because I now refer to my "oneness" all the time.

If I had to sum up what I learned in the past two weeks I would use one word: intentionality. I was reminded by many of the people I interacted with just how important it is to live intentionally. I have been challenged to start living my own life more intentionally. I'm not sure exactly what that means in a practical sense, but I've begun the journey of figuring that out.

So here's to being intentional. In relationship with others, in relationship with God, in the foods I eat, in the activities I engage in, in my impending move to Taiwan.

I learned so much in the last two weeks, now I have a week and a half off before I head to upstate New York for PFO (more acronyms!!!) for another two weeks of Pre-Field Orientation. In the meantime I'm going to be intentional about packing before I send my shipment off to Taiwan next Thursday! Wish me luck, and congratulations to you if you understood anything in this post.

Making a Move... Again!

**WARNING: THIS POST IS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR EARTH SHATTERING, IT IS SIMPLY QUITE INFORMATIVE ON WHERE MY LIFE IS HEADED IN THE NEXT FEW MONTHS.

Last time I blogged it was January 1 and I was thinking about how God makes everything new. I've learned in the last four months that the beginning of a new calendar year is not the only time that God makes things new. In a few weeks (on May 28 to be exact) I'll be embarking on another new adventure. What is it you may ask?

On May 28 I begin my journey to Taichung, Taiwan where I will be serving as the dorm assistant at Morrison Academy for at least two years. I don't actually take off on the jet plane for Taiwan on May 28, and in some ways I've already started this new adventure as I've prepared by buying lots of things to ship over and work out a bunch of paperwork, but May 28 is a landmark because on that day I head to Chicago, IL for training with Covenant World Mission. A lot of people have asked me if I need to raise support, since that's the logical thing for a missionary to have to do. The answer is: no! Praise the Lord, by God's grace I have found a missionary position in the part of the world I've longed to go to since high school where I do not have to raise money but instead receive a modest salary. The cool thing about this is that I still get to partner with Covenant World Mission, which is the mission I grew up in and love with all my heart. I am extremely blessed to be going into a situation where I will have support from my supervisors and Morrison Christian Academy itself, as well as the network of missionaries with Covenant World Mission. It's quite literally a dream come true!

As I prepare for this, my dream job, I can't say that all of the emotions I'm feeling are positive. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to get to Taichung, to meet the dorm parents who I will be supporting, to meet the kids who I get to care for, to learn to love a new culture, to learn a new language, to grow spiritually, to travel around Asia, to just embark on this adventure! But there are other emotions too, mostly fear over a lot of 'firsts'. For the first time I will be on a different continent from any of my family members and in a place where I know one person, my friend Shirley who lives in Taipei two hours away. For the first time I will be living in a country where I truly do not know the language and can't even sound things out because the script is different! For the first time I will need to find a church by myself without the connection of my parents. For the first time I will be living alone. There are other fears I have that are not connected to 'firsts'. My grandparents are getting along in years, and it both scares and saddens me to miss any time with them. My cousin is having a baby in September, and I won't be around to hold the little one and support the family in that time of transition. My church is getting a new senior pastor, and while I was on the search committee for the entire year I've been in Vista, I won't be here to participate in that transition either. I could go on and on, but I won't. Suffice it to say that I have a mixed bag of both positive and negative emotions at the thought of my next adventure.

I can't wait to get started. I'm trying my best to live in the now. I'm trying to re-instill in myself some healthy habits. Exercise? Yes, maybe I should try that again! Eating healthy? Hmm, that might be a good idea. More Prayer & Scripture reading? Why yes, I think that WOULD be a good idea! How about actually doing my laundry and putting it away? Or cleaning up after myself in general? Okay, this year has been a good break- I couldn't have asked for a better 'gap' year so to speak, but now it's drawing to a close. Pedal to the medal. Here I come world!

New

New. It's a word that I can't help but think about at this time of the year. NEW Years. Christmas and Jesus, a NEW born baby. A chance to do something NEW with a year. NEW beginnings- for physical health, spiritual development, jobs, bedroom furniture (that's a story for another time...) Of course, as a Christian the new year began back five or so weeks ago with the start of Advent. This whole "holiday" season is a season to remember what is new. And spring is coming. We recently chopped down a tree in our front yard, and we can see new grass popping up through all the dirt that was left there. I love this time of year. It's filled with such hope and expectation for people, and for me it's no different.

This year I'm looking forward to all of my new adventures. I have no idea where this year will take me, but I know that it will be full of adventure. No matter where I end up, it will be my first time being independent, since after June I will no longer be living with my parents or (hopefully) financially dependent on them. It's kind of a scary thought. But it's exciting! The future scares me, but mostly I'm one of those people who just can't wait to see where I end up and what happens in my life. So much can happen in a year! I'm sure to meet new people, learn new things, and gain new perspectives.

Just this year I've grown in relationship with people who I never expected to know so well. I've visited places I've never been. I've read books and heard ideologies I never have before. More than anything, this year has been a year in which I've grown in self-awareness. I've become acutely aware, sometimes painfully so, of my short-comings. I've seen parts of myself that I do not like, and I've mourned their existence. And yet, none of this is without hope. I've also seen God slowly transform me, and for every time I fall backward I experience him there to catch me. I've seen my depravity, but I've also been able to see myself more than ever before for my potential. It's funny, I have this strength called "Developer." Essentially it means I see the potential in other people and long to see and be a part of that individual's development, but, ironically, I do not always see the potential in myself. This year, God has revealed himself to me in a new ways and put people in my life who have helped me to see my potential. They see the best in me when I do not, and while I remain intensely aware of my faults, there is something motivating in having people believe the best in you. Positive motivation, yes?

So here's to a season of newness. May you wake up every morning and sense God's love and care for you anew. May you embrace each day as an opportunity to allow God to make you new by his grace. May each new person you meet be a reminder to you of our creator God and his unfolding story in the world. May every tear you cry be the opening of a new door in your life. May you remember that God's mercies are new every morning and his faithfulness will endure forever.

New.