Jumping In

The past couple of weeks have been pretty crazy for me in all areas surrounding my pending career in TESOL and future plans. In one sense life is pretty simple right now. I am going to school to get my M.A. in TESOL and working so that I don't have to take out as many loans. Next year I am going to live with my parents in Vista since they'll be on home assignment, so I don't have to stress too much about that. Still  there are a lot of decisions to be made, changes to take in, and dreams to dream.

Currently I am on the hunt for a job. After working in the cafeteria at APU for the past 4 1/2 years, it is finally time to move on. I've tried to move on a few other times, but I think now it's finally going to happen! A part of me is sad to leave the people I've built relationships with there, but if I'm being honest I am more than ready to move on to another phase in life. I have a couple of other part time jobs that I'll probably keep on, but what I'm really searching for at the moment is a job teaching ESL somewhere. I have a couple of leads and interviews lined up, so I'm slightly encouraged, but it's also an overwhelming and somewhat discouraging task. See, it's hard to get a job teaching if you don't already have teaching experience. Because of this, chances are I'll have to take a lower paying job (thus slightly damaging my budget) just so that I can get the experience I need to get those other jobs I'll want in the future. This also probably means long commutes. Bummer. But while I am a bit discouraged about this, I'm also excited to finally be doing it. I'm finally trying to get into the field I am studying, and I'm excited to apply all I've been learning in my classes! I'm about half way done with the program so I think it's about time I actually jump in to the field!

Another exciting and extremely intimidating opportunity I have is to design a course curriculum in one of my classes. Most students do this for a somewhat hypothetical setting, but I've chosen to work with Mary Wong, Ph.D. (the head of APU's field based and online TESOL programs) on developing a course for a new university she is involved in starting up. Medes American University is going to be an American Christian university located in Erbil, Iraq (or Kurdistan depending on your political persuasion). I've already done quite a bit of research on the location in order to get a feel for the context of who I am going to be designing this course for and I am excited to jump in and get working on this course. Like I said, I'm incredibly intimidated by the possibility of actually designing a course, but I am humbled and excited to get the opportunity to work alongside Mary and others in order to gain this valuable experience.

While I'm busy jumping in to those two areas of my life, I am trying incredibly hard not to get ahead of myself with the future. The truth is I'm antsy. I'm tired of living in Azusa, and I just realized this week that I have lived more consecutive years in Azusa than anywhere else in my life. Of course, I left for most of the summers, but still... There are so many other interesting places in the world that I want to go. I want to travel home to Congo and Cameroun, I want to visit all sorts of other places in Africa, I want to go to Korea to visit old friends, Japan to see where some of my best friends grew up, and many other places in Asia as well, I want to go to South America (and especially to Bolivia), I want to go back to Europe and explore places I have never been as well as return to Romania (a place that captured my heart 3 1/2 years ago), I want to go to Egypt and experience life there (and see the pyramids), I want to go to the Holy Land, and now I want to go to Kurdistan too! Basically the more I meet people from different places and friends of mine spread out over the world the more places I add to my "to go" list. And yet here I am... still in California. I'm sure there is a reason for it, and I know I'm learning a lot, but sometimes it's hard.

Sometimes I just want to jump in to that next phase of life and forget the preparation... and then I remember something I reflected on this past semester and summer. I am in a preparation phase and it is important. If even Jesus had to prepare 30 years for 3 years of ministry, then I think I can do with a few more years of preparation. The trick is to make sure I actually use my time of preparation and don't just let it pass by. So as I'm waiting to travel the world and see how my life turns out I'm trying to jump in right where I am. Most of the time it goes really well, but right now it's a bit difficult to keep that perspective. Oh well, I guess I'm allowed my moments :)

The Help

It seems as if this blog is turning into my musings on books I've read, movies I've watched, and other such things. It's not because I consider myself an expert on any of these, but rather that I want to share with the world (or the very small number of people who read this blog :) the things I experience that touch my heart and stir within me deep emotions. This time what happened to stir me is the book The Help by Kathryn Stockett. There are some great reviews of the book out there, so this is not my attempt to review the book. Rather, it is my attempt to share what the book stirred in me, confess some things it brought to the surface, and hopefully encourage other people to read this book and allow themselves to reflect on its meaning in their life.

At first glance this book should really have nothing to do with me. It is a story of three women in Jackson, Mississippi during the civil rights era. It shares the everyday lives of these three women and their journey to try and change their world. What the women of this book seek is justice, and what the author of it seeks is to bring light to a difficult situation and honor her "help" growing up. I guess in a way that is what I want to do here.

No, I did not grow up in Jackson, Mississippi. I did not even grow up in the United States, let alone the South. I grew up in Zaire and Cameroun, Central Africa. There was no civil rights movement when I was growing up (or now for that matter), but I did have "help" all through my growing up years. Specifically we called them "househelp," "yard guys," and "guards." To many people who grow up in the US now this book talks about a very foreign concept, having someone in your house every day cooking and cleaning, but for me it hit pretty close to home.

No, the situations are not identical, and I truly believe that my parents treat our "help" with the respect they deserve as equal human beings, but what I can say is that there is something about my childhood that resonates with this book. I never had a nanny that I can remember, but I can remember key moments in my life that I shared with Robert, Mary-Jean, Elise, and Christian. For instance, Robert taught me to sing (and love it) and used to let me spend hours shelling peanuts with him (I'm pretty sure I ate more than I actually shelled). I haven't seen this man since I was in second grade, if I saw him now I probably would not recognize him, and yet he holds a special place in my heart always. This is one of the good moments that is talked about in the book. The bond that is created between the "help" and the children. It is a bond that you hope can never be broken, but sadly often is.

My family in Zaire with our "help."

Robert is the one standing next to my dad in the back.

This book made me nostalgic for the good times, for a childhood I remember through rose-colored glasses, and yet this is not all it did. See, what this book shares is that the greatest fear of the "help" is when the child they help raise turns on them. I don't think I ever truly did this. I believe my parents raised me right, to not see our workers as any less human or valuable than me, but just like every other teenager... well, I had my moments. I remember one specific time in junior high when I yelled at Elise because she wouldn't let me eat something she was making in the kitchen that I wanted (probably a tortilla or the end off of the uncooked cinnamon rolls she was making). I remember feeling like it was okay to yell at Elise because she was only our househelp. I pray that was the only time I felt that way, but to this day it haunts me.

Perhaps one of the reasons it bothers me is this: Elise was francophone and I was anglophone. I was never able to properly communicate with Elise, and I will never have the chance. Elise died of cancer when I was a senior in high school. Elise taught me how to make tortillas, cinnamon rolls, and bieroques, but more than that Elise would sing. I never was able to really talk with Elise, to communicate in the way I would have liked, so I don't know for sure what she believed, but every day when she would iron Elise used to turn on the radio and sing along to worship music. I know her life was not easy, but in her way she was a witness to me. Even though I can never tell her how much she meant to me, I will never forget her. I will never forget the last time I saw her healthy (about a month before she died- I guess her cancer was in remission), I remember sitting by her bedside just before she died not even recognizing the woman who lay before me because she was so frail, and I remember attending her funeral and listening to her mother wail- wishing I could do the same.

It's odd how a book like this can stir up so many emotions in me, a person so far removed from the context of the story, but it did. My heart was stirred to remember the good times and the bad. The things I have learned and the things I regret. The things I am thankful for and the things I wish I could change. Maybe this isn't the book to do that for you, but I pray that today you would have the joy (and pain) of looking back at the people who have shaped you and be grateful for all you have been given. I know I am.

So this is thank you. To Robert, Mary-Jean, Elise, Christian and all the other people along the way. I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for them. I'm sorry for the times I failed them, but I pray that my life would make them proud of the person they helped make me into. I love each of them with my whole heart.

The Stoning of Soraya M.

Today I watched a movie that I have been meaning to watch for a few months. A friend of mine recommended this movie to me during the summer and I only just got around to watching it. There are several reasons for this, but the real reason is that I was warned it is one of the most intense movies I will ever see- and my friend was not exaggerating.

"The Stoning of Soraya M." is a movie I will not soon forget. As you can probably guess from the title this is a movie about the story of a woman who was stoned to death after being falsely accused of adultery. The stoning scene of the movie is not for the faint of heart. Several times throughout the scene I had to turn away, close my eyes, and pray to God for a heart that understands what this movie means to me. A movie like this brings a lot of emotions to the surface. This woman was betrayed by almost everyone she knew. Her husband, her sons, even her own father all threw stones at her.

I know the men in my life and that they would never do such a thing. I will never be put in Soraya's position, but that does not mean this movie should leave me with no effect. There are real women going through exactly what this movie depicts. Some situations are better and others are worse. Here I sit in my comfortable living room with hundreds of people who love and care for me, and I wonder: Why was I borne into such privilege? I have never wanted to be seen as a radical. I have never had the courage to really take a stand against an atrocity like this. I can't say that after watching this movie I will change, but I can say that it made me pause and think. I pray that someday it would be revealed to me how I can allow God to have it change my life. I pray that I would be proactive and not sit back like the mayor of the town in this movie simply waiting for God to give me a "sign."

This movie also reminded me of John 8:1-11 and the story of Jesus and the crowd who wanted to stone the woman caught in adultery. Every time I have heard a pastor preach on this passage they say great things, and they do their best to describe to the congregation what a stoning would have been like. Unfortunately without seeing this event I don't think we can ever grasp the horror of it. Without seeing the hate on the faces of the people throwing the stones and the blood dripping down the face of the woman being stoned I don't see how we could ever understand what Jesus was doing in this passage. This movie brought to life for me a portion of Scripture I could never grasp before, and I am sure I do not fully understand it now.

This has been a sober post. It is not that I want to be discouraging but simply that I think this is something worth talking about. At the very least I think it is something that each of us needs to spend time thinking about. I have no idea where God will take me in this world, but what I do know is I long to have the courage (by His grace) to bring the joy of the good news and fight for justice wherever that may be.

I will end with a quote by Timothy Keller, one of my favorite authors, from his book The Reason for God. On page 15 he says this: "What is religion then? It is a set of beliefs that explain what life is all about, who we are, and the most important things that human beings should spend their time doing." So what is my religion? What is your religion?

The Return of the Prodigal Son

Recently I've been reading this book recommended to me by my little brother Keith (he's pretty great): The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen.

If I'm being honest, the beginning of it didn't rock my world too much. He talks about how many people who at first associate themselves with the younger son in the passage later realize that they are actually the elder son. Thankfully, I have had some pretty amazing people in my life who pointed this out to me a long time ago, and in fact I guess I am one of those people who really relates more to the elder son than the younger.

Nouwen goes on to point out how even though the elder son never left home he was just as lost as the prodigal. In a sense both sons are prodigals. This concept of the elder son being just as lost as the younger really clicked with me. See, I've never left my Father's house. I believed when I was young, I went to a Christian college and got a Bible degree, I never stopped going to church or praying, I never stopped reading my Bible, I mean basically I've never left. The truth of the matter is though that throughout most of college I was just as lost as someone who the world (or perhaps the Church) sees as lost. I didn't do drugs, party all the time, flunk out of school, sleep around, deny God's existence, or any of that stuff, but while remaining in God's house my relationship with him deteriorated. I got to the point where I couldn't really even say I had a relationship anymore. As I'm on this journey back to faith I take very seriously the idea of relationship and connect with this story more than ever.

Still none of this is what really stands out to me in Nouwen's book. Nouwen pointed out something that for me was radical: each of us is in some way either the younger or elder son but every one of us is called to be the Father. I am called to be the Father. You are called to be the Father. What that means is that each of us is called to be the one waiting with welcoming arms for that lost son or the one beckoning the elder son to come inside and join the party. None of us will ever reach the point of becoming the Father, but that is the journey we are called to take.

I guess that's kind of vague right? "Just become the Father." The truth is that I think there are a whole lot of practical steps to take toward doing that. Here are a couple I have been thinking about:

1) Spend time with the Father. If I spend time with someone I start to act like them. So I've been trying to spend time reading the Word, worshipping through singing and playing my guitar, praying, journaling, and just being in His presence.

2) Practice being the Father. Now I'm definitely not a saint, but there are tangible ways to do this. The one I have been working on is volunteering. I volunteer with an after school program once a week. It's not a lot, just a couple of hours a week, but it is a chance to pour into the lives of children who need it. A lot of them come from tough situations, and even if they wouldn't be labeled that way- well kids can always use some extra love. Just hanging out with these kids, helping them with their homework, learning their personalities, and caring about them has blessed my soul and I pray that it is a step toward me becoming the Father.

Often my faith is shaky, but a friend and I were recently talking about how sometimes you just have to practice your faith and then the faith itself comes. I think that's an important step in becoming like the Father. So this is me being honest: I am lost though I have never left home. I am on a journey toward turning into my Father (and also my mom and dad... it seems every day I see more and more how I am becoming like them in various ways whether I like it or not:). This is a crazy life, and I'm figuring it out one second at a time.

If you have the time I highly recommend picking up your own copy of The Return of the Prodigal Son, it may not rock your world but it definitely couldn't hurt.

Assessment

Assessment. What does that word mean to you? Does it mean judging? Is it just a grade in a class? Is it how you see where you are at in life? Honestly, until this quarter that word meant very little to me. I had never really thought about assessing myself or anyone else until I started taking "Second Language Assessment" for my TESOL degree with Rich Robison. But since taking this class it seems that assessment is always on my mind.

Every time I interact with a test or think back on the tests I have taken over the years I assess them- I assess the assessment! I know I'm a complete nerd for liking this class, but I really do enjoy it. Learning about how to write tests and alternative forms of assessment has given me a new perspective on my past experiences as a student and on who I want to be as a teacher. There are some tests I look back on with the uttermost respect for my teachers. These were people who truly cared about my education and my growing as a human being. There are other tests that did not teach me or my professors anything. I have a large amount of anger (and pity) for teachers like this who didn't care enough about their students' learning to take the time to write and grade good tests.

I want to be a good teacher. I want to write good tests. I want to use other alternative assessment techniques that not only help my students learn more but also help me learn how to be a better teacher and give my students what they need. Assessment is nothing to take lightly, but then again neither is teaching. Think back at the people of influence in your life. Maybe you're not a nerd like me so they aren't your former school teachers, but chances are if someone influenced your life it's because they taught you something and more than likely they assessed you in some way. So here's a shout out to all of the amazing teachers in my life. You have shaped who I am, and I pray that someday I will have students who can say the same about me!

As for the other type of assessment (aka personal assessment), that is a whole different story. How do we assess ourselves physically, spiritually, emotionally, relationally, and in any other way? I don't think there is any easy way to do personal self-assessment, but it is important. I think journaling is one way to do this and if that is the case I have been doing a lot of self-assessment lately. Who am I as a student, friend, roommate, sister, daughter, co-worker, employee, or acquaintance. When I sit back and assess myself I cannot say that I am where I want to be. My assessments show me that I still have a lot to learn and that I have not passed the course yet. However, they also show me where I need to grow and where I struggle the most. Assessments are painful (after all, who likes taking a test?) but they are necessary for our growth. So at this season of my life I am learning to take the time for self-assessment and to pay attention to where I need to grow. A few of my findings (only a small portion of them): patience, humility, grace, service, and peace.

I pray that each of you will take the time today and throughout your lives for self-assessment. It is more valuable than I ever could have thought. Oh, and don't forget to go back and thank a teacher today. I'm sure there is one who could use the encouragement!

Possibilities

Lately my mind has been racing in about twenty different directions. Let's see if I can name them all for you:

Work (x3- One for each job),
Class,
Family (x6- One for each member of my immediate family and one for each side of extended family), Exercise,
Missionary Kids Ministries,
Church,
Future career paths (x4- One for each significantly different possibility),
Youth,
Friends,
Music,
Oh and maybe thinking about things of a spiritual nature (that's not a big deal though, right?).

There, I think I reached my twenty, and I could list a whole bunch more.

Still, my mind racing in a million (that's more accurate than twenty probably) different directions is nothing to be upset about. Sure, I'm torn between a lot of different commitments, people, and places, but they are all good things. What becomes difficult is when I get frustrated at not knowing what is coming next. The truth is that I don't know what is next. There are so many things I'm interested in doing and places I want to go that it seems impossible to commit to any one of them. Each possibility has too many pros and cons to make a list and just compare them side by side.

The truth is that I'm excited for the future. I'm excited to find out where I am going to go, what my job will be, who I will marry (Lord-willing!), who I will be in community with, and who God will change me to be. I know that God can change the world through me. I don't have huge dreams or aspirations to change the WHOLE world, but I know that I can change the world around me. I can change my world and that of those people closest to me. What's important is staying grounded. Developing a routine and sticking to it. Setting goals for myself and attaining them. Reaching my hand out to the world (and the people in it) around me and treating them with grace, patience, humility, and respect. That's something I can focus on for now. Not that dreaming is bad. Dreaming is good, but it's important not to get stuck in worrying about or over-planning the future.

Proverbs 19 says "Many are the plans a person makes, but the purpose of the Lord prevails." So here I am. I will plan, because that is inevitable. But I will rest in the grace of God knowing that his purpose for me will prevail in the end. What a comforting thought!

Another New Beginning

Today is the day before I "officially" begin graduate school. That's kind of funny to say being as I am already 1/3 of the way done with the program, but it's true and somehow it feels different. Starting tomorrow I will be in classes only with other students pursuing their Masters in TESOL, and I am both excited and scared at the same time. I am excited to be in a learning environment where everyone truly wants to learn because they are seeking to be a better teacher and not just a degree. I am scared that I am not ready for it, that I will realize just how young and naive I am, that my lack of teaching experience will be a barrier, that I will not have friends in the program, or (perhaps worst of all) that I will somehow manage to complete this program and realize that I do not in fact want to teach English! But all fears aside, I really am excited. I know I am going to learn so much, and no matter where God takes me in this world what I learn in these classes will be useful. I can't wait to see where God continues to lead me because sitting where I am today I know each and every moment leading up to this prepared me for today, and the future will not be any different. Every class I take, every paper I write, every person I encounter, everything prepares me to be the person God needs me to be each day. In the middle of everything else that is definitely a comfort!

Today is also a day of new beginnings because I have begun my new job. Starting this week I am working 9 hours a week in my church office as the receptionist. This will be a chance to get to know members of Village Covenant Church better, serve my community here, get some homework done, and anything else Pastor Matt assigns for me to do. I'm excited about this opportunity as it was a complete answer to prayer. For a couple of years now I have said I would like to do a job like this and, without ever saying anything to Pastor Matt, he out of the blue offered me this job. On top of working at church I am also continuing in the Cafeteria and with Christians in the Workplace. Overall it should be a busy but rewarding semester!!

Sometimes I am not sure where this road I'm on is taking me, but I'm excited to find out! I hope you can see the hand of God in your life just as I can in mine!

Christians in the Workplace

I figured some people may be wondering what it is that I'm doing now that I have graduated, so I thought I would share one aspect of my summer: my job. Actually I have a few jobs including working in the cafeteria, babysitting, and being a research assistant for this project Christians the Workplace. The caf is nothing too new and babysitting doesn't take up much of my time, but this Christians in the Workplace project fills my mind pretty much all day every day- and I think that's a good thing.

What is "Christians in the Workplace?" Basically, I am working with a team of people to develop a curriculum for church small group ministries to use to start a workplace ministry. This is something that a lot of churches do not have and don't see the need for. I had never really thought about it until this project, but does your church have a workplace ministry? Pretty much all of our churches have children, youth, college, over 50, women, men, singles, young marrieds, stay at home moms, and all sorts of other ministries, but I know of very few that have small groups (or any ministry) specifically focusing on the work a person does. This is sad to me since people spend more time at work on average than ANYWHERE else.

So what's the solution? Well I'm not entirely sure, but I think this curriculum is a start. Instead of churches making individuals feel guilty for not being more involved in "ministry" at church, we can encourage members to love the Lord in all areas of their lives- especially at work. Now I'm not saying that all churches fail in this area, but I think a lot of churches fail to help their congregants see the value in their every day work. What this curriculum is about in my opinion is freeing individuals to do ministry and be ministered to at work.

We are in the final stages of the curriculum now and it is exciting to see it all coming together. We have videos, scripture passages, and discussion questions to facilitate authentic conversation in any number of small group settings. What's great about this is that the curriculum is versatile and will be able to speak to a large number of people. But even as we wrap up this stage we are not done. Now we are thinking about how to get a quality Spanish version and would love to do other languages as well. We are thinking about doing a youth version of the curriculum in order for families to connect when both parents and students are going through a similar curriculum simultaneously.

This is an exciting project, and there is no way I could do it justice here but I love to share what I am learning. It seems no matter where I go now I either apply what I have learned or pick up some new piece of information for the project. I am constantly asking myself "Do I see my work as a ministry, how can I grow spiritually through my work, and am I acting in an ethical manner at work?" I wonder how it would change our work environments if all of us Christians took these questions seriously...

I'm back!: Life after Undergrad

Here I am. It's been a while. Eight months to be exact. Where have I been? In Azusa mostly. A lot has happened in the past eight months and I'm not even sure where to start, so I think I'll just start with today. Who am I today and what am I doing. More importantly, what am I learning?

Today I am a graduate of Azusa Pacific University with my Bachelors in Biblical Studies and Youth Ministry. I am an employee of Dr. Paul Shrier and the APU1899Cafe (yes the Caf has in fact had a name change). I am a roommate in a state of flux as people and animals come and go. I am a resident of Azusa, California. I am a student in the MA in TESOL program at APU. I am a daughter, niece, granddaughter, friend, cousin, student, worker, child of God, and LEARNER.

Mostly I am realizing that my primary job here is to learn. I have a lot to learn inside the classroom about how to teach, English grammar, how to appropriately allow my faith to affect my work, and how my culture plays a part in my teaching. I have even more to learn outside the classroom about how to be in healthy relationships with the people I love, how to have a healthy view of cultures and religions around the world, how to maintain a healthy lifestyle, and most importantly how to experience God in all of this. I don't have the space here to express all I have been learning in the past three months since graduation, but I can say that God has been working in me. College was a time of growing but it was also a time of brokenness, here in the aftermath I feel God putting me back together and healing me. I know this will be a slow process, but even just since graduation I can see God transforming my attitudes, opinions, and actions into something a little morereflective of him (at least I hope...). I'm so far from perfect, but I think what I'm realizing is that instead of getting caught up in how far away I am from perfect I need to focus on the little steps that bring me closer to being a reflection of God.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Thinking about where I want to end up after this year, how I feel about being an American, what I really believe, what hobbies I am really interested in, who I want to be, what I want to be known for. I don't have time to talk about them now, so I'll just leave it at that and include a few pictures from the past months. Hopefully in the coming weeks I can remember to really post in this blog and reflect a little bit on those areas. For now this is just a re-introduction to my life. I do in fact still exist :)

I'll leave you with this quote:

‎"Perhaps what is truly extraordinary is that people looked at this average, ordinary man and saw God. The extraordinary message of the incarnation may be that God is to be encountered in the ordinary." ~Darby Ray

The brothers and I at our Christmas Photoshoot for Mom

Dezi Bakken Visiting after Christmas

Roommates (plus honorary roommate) at Mandy's Concert

Arches National Park, Utah over Spring Break

Family Picture on Graduation Day

Bible Study Group and Other Graduating Friends post-Graduation