The End Has Come... and So Has the Beginning

I can't believe that it's already August 26. Two months ago I was sitting in Cameroun, being lazy reading books and anxious to start my summer working as the youth leader at Oak Hills Covenant Church in Vista, California. Now I am at the end. I have two events left and then it's adios. It's not goodbye in a final sort of way, which is somewhat of a comfort. I'll be back to visit my OHCC family about once a month, and I thank the Lord for that! I know that they'll always be a part of my life, so it's not goodbye. And yet, it is the end of a wonderful chapter in my life (however short it was). This summer I was given the freedom to be me, and I was given permission to make mistakes. I was provided with the opportunity to pour into students who in turn poured back into me. I was paid to do something I LOVE. And now the end has come.

I'm headed back to a life I love. A life of friends and of learning. I am at peace with this move. It hurts to leave my students when they don't yet have a youth pastor lined up for the fall, but I trust that God and all of the amazing volunteers will take care of them. But I'm nervous for what this year holds. It's senior year, I'm living off campus, I have new roommates, I'm taking graduate level courses, and I'm going from a steady pay check to the possibility of working a little every week. There are a lot of unknowns and I have been thinking about them too much. I over analyze EVERYTHING. Some people think my organization is a good thing, and it is to an extent. But when I have too much time I start freaking out about everything, a trait that I am fairly certain I inherited from my wonderful Nana :) I'm not usually a spontaneous person, but I am learning that I function much more healthily when I am. The only issue is that does not really work when other people are depending on you. So here I am, a little bit freaking out about a year that I KNOW will be amazing.

Here's why it will be great: I am living with one of my longest standing friends in the world (Kristina Noren). I am living with my amazing roommate from the past two years. I am living with two girls who I barely know but can't wait to get to know and learn from . Some of my best friends are back from study abroad. I have new friendships just in the beginning phases that I am excited to build up more and more. I only have to work when I WANT to work. I have my Camerounian teacher again. I get to start my masters degree for FREE as part of my undergrad tuition (saving me about $4000). I have an amazing mentor who I can stay in touch with even if I am far away from her now. Oh, and I have a God who loves me and is taking care of me on top of everything else that I have and have not mentioned!

So here's to the end and the beginning. I can't wait for the adventures that will come. And at the end all I can say is "Parting is such sweet sorrow."

Even the Best Job Ever...

You know, sometimes life is crazy. Sometimes it doesn't make any sense at all. And sometimes it is just perfect. We call it the roller coaster of life right?

This summer is amazing. I love my job, still :) I can't believe that in 2 1/2 weeks I'll be done working as the Summer Youth Leader at Oak Hills Covenant Church. I can't believe all I have learned and all the new friends I have made. I can't believe the youth I have met or grown in relationship with, and how much I have been blessed through them. I've been saying all summer that I have the best job ever, and then on Tuesday one of my students nailed it for the first time. Tori looked at me and said "You know Beth, you have the best job ever. You get paid to just hang out with us!" She's right you know, for someone who loves teenagers there is NO better job than being a youth leader!!! I've been a youth ministry major for three years, and I've spent most of that time working with youth in some capacity, but this summer is the first time I have gotten a real taste of what life as a youth leader would be like. It's fun beyond reason.

It's also hard work. Emotionally draining perhaps? This week has been great, but there have been a couple of difficult moments. What do you do when criticism comes your way? Even when it is in love and there are no hard feelings, you can never make everyone happy. For a people pleaser like me that is difficult. I love honesty but I also like to live in a world where everyone I know and care about is completely and utterly happy. A bit naive perhaps. So this week I learned yet again that "honesty is the best policy." I learned that it's possible to keep a good friend, and even make a friendship stronger when you are honest with one another. I am thankful for the new friends I have made this summer!!!!

Then there is the whole "Am I making a difference?" thing. When kids give you blank stares. When they mock what you had to say last week. When they don't remember what you talked about last week. When they are just plain sick of you. How does a 21 year old girl minister to a teenage boy? That's where a great volunteer staff comes in. But do you trust the volunteers enough to do their job? You have to! And I also have to trust that God is working in students' lives even when I can't see it.

What about post-summer plans? There are two main things that are emotionally hard to deal with here. 1) There is no youth pastor set up for when I'm gone in two and a half weeks. What happens then? At least one of the volunteers is also leaving. How will the youth group continue to run. Will the students get the attention and discipleship that they need? Why is it soooo hard to find someone to come in and love on students? My heart aches because I know that I am leaving these students without someone to come in and pick up where I have left off. There is a measure of guilt that comes with leaving them, that comes when I wonder if I've made enough of a difference for it to be worth the hurt that comes when I leave. God alone knows. 2) I am going back to school. I'm moving into a new roommate situation. I'm excited, but I'm also nervous. I have loved working and not doing homework. I have spent the summer being excited for my roommates, and I don't want to be disappointed. Then there are the old friends back from study abroad and new friends I have made since they've been gone. I'm off campus too. I have my internship and my job if I choose to work. How will everything work out? I keep saying I have a good feeling about this semester, but truth be told I'm nervous too. Let me remind myself again: God alone knows how it will all work out!

So I have decided that "emotionally drained" is exactly how I'm feeling at the moment. I'm loving life, loving students, loving family, loving God, but I'm also extremely exhausted. I wouldn't trade it for the world. God is good all the time.