Finishing well. This is something I've been pestered about for a good 10 years, and I'm really not THAT old, so the concept of ending well and transition is something I've had hammered into me for a good portion of my life. Still, I don't do it very well. I'm not really sure that anyone does, so I guess I can have grace with myself. And yet, I wish I did it better. I remember back in my senior year of high school I would just sleep ALL the time. Seriously, unless I was running around being active, I was probably asleep. It was easier to sleep through the idea of leaving my friends, family, and home than it was to be awake and face it.
Last year I graduated from college, and though that was a painful time of saying goodbye to my closest friends of the past four years, in a lot of ways it was not an ending for me. I did not move, I kept going to the same school, and there was not that feeling of facing the unknown. Now, a year later, I'm in a very different place. I'm excited for the future, I really am. I'm excited to be closer to my family, to start a career, and to move on with my life (sorry Azusa, but I'm ready). And yet there is this nagging feeling that it would be so much easier to not move on. I could have stayed in the same house with most of the same roommates, I could have kept my job or even had a full time job (I've had a couple of offers in Azusa), I could have stayed close to the friends I have left in the area. All of that would have been safe, but it wouldn't have been really living. Right now I'm just biding time, waiting for the next adventure, and I don't want to live my life that way! I want to LIVE the adventure. I want to live in true community with those around me (even if it IS my parents). I want to take chances on applying for jobs that I get rejected for. I want to depend on someone else to take care of me when I can't provide for myself. I WANT to be vulnerable. But that doesn't mean the transition is easy. I hear myself being impatient, sarcastic, and downright rude to the people around me who I love. Is that my way of making it easier to say goodbye? I want to excel in my last quarter of my Masters program, and yet each day I have to force myself to do my homework and learn something new (Is this blog a procrastination technique? Probably!). I can't wait to not have homework anymore, and yet I know in two months I'll be wishing I had some!
The end is hard. Some people do it well, but I still haven't figured it out. I guess that's one more thing to add to my list of ways I need God to work in my life. For today I 'll rest in the knowledge that He IS faithful and that at the end of it all I will have made it through by His grace. I just hope I don't lose too many friends or opportunities to truly live on the way :)
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
We Are Fragile
Life is fragile. Humans are not strong on our own. A popular verse says that three chords are not easily severed. It's all true. When I am on my own, without a community of loving people around me, I break easily. Even with a support network, I am weak. I fail so often. I try to be 'good,' but I just can't make the cut. I'm not really down on myself, I mean we are all that way to an extent. Some of us have different struggles than others, but we all have struggles, and we all carry baggage. My world can start crumbling around me for a thousand little reasons, and I'm guessing yours can too. Sometimes it's a broken romantic attachment, sometimes it's a long time friendship that just isn't the same anymore, sometimes it's trusting someone and finding out they can't be trusted, often it's just being left behind by those we love, and more often still it is something seemingly inconsequential (like a bad grade on a paper). Whatever the reason, it's easy for my world to come tumbling down around me.
Lately I've been reading a lot of books about the hard realities of life and the chaos that humans can bring to the world around them. I just recently read both The Kite Runner and The Giver trilogy. The first of these is about Kabul, Afghanistan, and a rich kid's story of the hurt he inflicted and the consequences of it (that's the very simplified version, you should read it for yourself if you haven't!). The Giver trilogy seems like it has nothing in common with The Kite Runner, since it is a futuristic distopian series, but I found many of the same themes running through these very different books: the potential of humanity to do harm to one another and the world around them, the fragility of humanity, and the incomprehensible capacity for love, doing right, and fighting back that we humans carry with us. The truth is that there are consequences to our actions. A boy may do one small act as a child that stays with and torments him for the rest of his life. A society may remove all pain from their citizens in order to give them a better life, but there will be consequences to this as well. The consequences of our actions are often simply living less 'human' lives, which in my opinion is simply living farther from the image of God who created us to be like him.
I didn't post this to come to any conclusions, simply to share the things I am working through. There is pain in this world. I am easily hurt, even if you may think that I am tough (and the same is probably true of you). There is also HOPE. God created us to be a race who needs each other and him, but also who is resilient and full of his goodness. Below, are the lyrics to a song I love. It's a country song, so you may not love it equally, and it's simple, but I think there is something profound in these lyrics. We all carry baggage, we are fragile, we are shaped by what we come in contact with, and we all have good and bad sides to us. Life is a journey full of shaping one another, picking up each other's broken pieces, and finding wholeness in the end.
"Glass"
Lately I've been reading a lot of books about the hard realities of life and the chaos that humans can bring to the world around them. I just recently read both The Kite Runner and The Giver trilogy. The first of these is about Kabul, Afghanistan, and a rich kid's story of the hurt he inflicted and the consequences of it (that's the very simplified version, you should read it for yourself if you haven't!). The Giver trilogy seems like it has nothing in common with The Kite Runner, since it is a futuristic distopian series, but I found many of the same themes running through these very different books: the potential of humanity to do harm to one another and the world around them, the fragility of humanity, and the incomprehensible capacity for love, doing right, and fighting back that we humans carry with us. The truth is that there are consequences to our actions. A boy may do one small act as a child that stays with and torments him for the rest of his life. A society may remove all pain from their citizens in order to give them a better life, but there will be consequences to this as well. The consequences of our actions are often simply living less 'human' lives, which in my opinion is simply living farther from the image of God who created us to be like him.
I didn't post this to come to any conclusions, simply to share the things I am working through. There is pain in this world. I am easily hurt, even if you may think that I am tough (and the same is probably true of you). There is also HOPE. God created us to be a race who needs each other and him, but also who is resilient and full of his goodness. Below, are the lyrics to a song I love. It's a country song, so you may not love it equally, and it's simple, but I think there is something profound in these lyrics. We all carry baggage, we are fragile, we are shaped by what we come in contact with, and we all have good and bad sides to us. Life is a journey full of shaping one another, picking up each other's broken pieces, and finding wholeness in the end.
"Glass"
Trying to live and love,
With a heart that can't be broken,
Is like trying to see the light with eyes that can't be opened.
Yeah, we both carry baggage,
We picked up on our way, so if you love me do it gently,
And I will do the same.
We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
Cause we are glass.
I'll let you look inside me, through the stains and through the cracks,
And in the darkness of this moment,
You see the good and bad.
But try not to judge me, 'cause we've walked down different paths,
But it brought us here together, so I won't take that back.
We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
We might be oil and water, this could be a big mistake,
We might burn like gasoline and fire,
It's a chance we'll have to take.
We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
And we are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
We are glass.
With a heart that can't be broken,
Is like trying to see the light with eyes that can't be opened.
Yeah, we both carry baggage,
We picked up on our way, so if you love me do it gently,
And I will do the same.
We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
Cause we are glass.
I'll let you look inside me, through the stains and through the cracks,
And in the darkness of this moment,
You see the good and bad.
But try not to judge me, 'cause we've walked down different paths,
But it brought us here together, so I won't take that back.
We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
We might be oil and water, this could be a big mistake,
We might burn like gasoline and fire,
It's a chance we'll have to take.
We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
And we are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
We are glass.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Lent: Isaiah 58
What does Lent mean to you? Growing up I don't really think it meant anything to me. Maybe that is because my parents didn't make a deal about it, but maybe they did and I just don't remember. All I know is that I don't remember thinking about Lent at all until I got to college. At APU I experienced Ash Wednesday for the first time (consciously). Really, my time in college is when I became aware of the Church calendar and what a beautiful thing it is.
So every year, for the past five years, I have in some way recognized the season of Lent and allowed it to slowly transform my life. Still, every year I struggle with the idea of what it means to fast for Lent. In my circle of friends it normally means giving up chocolate or coffee for 40 days. One person I know gave up makeup. This year my pastor and his wife are giving up TV after 8 pm (a pretty big commitment considering that's when all of the best shows are on!). Another popular thing to give up is Facebook.
So this year I decided to give up watching new TV series online. Let me explain. This year I am in grad school, not working very much, and I have more time than I've ever had before. I have gotten into this terribly bad habit of watching TV shows online (normally on Netflix). I'll watch every season of a show in about a month (depending on the number of seasons). It's pretty bad. I get hooked. I want to know what's going to happen next, and since they are shows that have aired in the past I have that luxury! It's easy to get hooked on new shows, and since a large number of my closest friends graduated and left me in the dust last May I have a whole lot of down time. Now, I could be spending that time making new friends, investing in the friends I have here, reading good books, practicing guitar or flute, exercising, doing my homework, or any number of other activities. But I don't. I choose to spend my time secluded on my computer with my headphones in, living vicariously through other people. Some of the shows are good. Others are trash. That's not really the point. The point is that I'm watching other (fake) people live their (fake) lives rather than living my own life! I'm not even watching shows with other people and at least getting some semblance of community through that, instead I'm all alone. So that's my confession. I have a problem. My name is Elizabeth Stoker and I am a Netflix addict! Sooo in the spirit of Lent I decided to get rid of my obsession. That doesn't mean I'm not watching TV anymore. I still watch plenty of TV with my roommates, but only if it is on the TV. I think it's a pretty good thing to fast from for Lent, and maybe I'll continue it after Easter as well!
Still, while this 'fast' is a good thing to get me in greater relationship with Christ and those around me, I am not sure that it really gets at the heart of what a Lenten fast could truly be. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a step in the right direction. I think it's a good thing. I think God is pleased that I want to spend more time with him. I also think he wants more. So I googled Lent passages. I honestly didn't know if there were any. I'm still not sure that there are specific passages on Lent, but one passage did pop up on Google: Isaiah chapter 58.
I'm sure I've read this chapter before, but I'm not sure that I've READ it before. Did you know it talks all about fasting? In fact, the NIV titles this chapter "True Fasting." If that's not a chapter to read for Lent, I don't know what is! So I read it. And I was challenged. I was a little bit intimidated. I still am. Some of the things in this chapter I don't think I could ever do- or at least I didn't at first. How can I provide the poor wanderer with shelter? How can I fight injustice or set the oppressed free? What does it mean to not turn away from my own flesh and blood (family, is what it means I think)? What does it mean to DELIGHT in the Sabbath? How can I keep from doing as I please or speaking idle words?
To be honest, I'm not sure. But I do know that I can do some of these things and at the very least I can struggle to figure out what they mean. Isn't that what Lent is all about after all? Struggling with what our Lord's sacrifice means to us? Finding a way to say thank you? Preparing ourselves to once again really grasp the grace of God? You know, often people talk how how they are going to go on a 'fast.' This passage makes me think that fasting is not a one time deal, but rather a lifestyle. Not that occasional fasts from food or other things aren't valuable. Those types of fast focus me in a very unique way, and often I have found God reveals his character and will to me in those times. But this chapter challenges me to a much broader understanding of fasting than simply giving something up or taking on a new practice. It challenges me to a lifestyle more similar to that of Christ, and it gives me very practical ways I can do this.
I'm not saying my life has been transformed over night. Those who know me best (or live with me) know that I am NOT a very nice person a lot of the time. I'm a grouch. I'm selfish. I have a very small capacity to love. But those who know me best also know that this is not how I want to be. I want to love with Christ's love. I want to be transformed. But how much do I want it? Isaiah 58 has really got me thinking. Read it. See for yourself. It might just change how you view Lent and life in general!
So every year, for the past five years, I have in some way recognized the season of Lent and allowed it to slowly transform my life. Still, every year I struggle with the idea of what it means to fast for Lent. In my circle of friends it normally means giving up chocolate or coffee for 40 days. One person I know gave up makeup. This year my pastor and his wife are giving up TV after 8 pm (a pretty big commitment considering that's when all of the best shows are on!). Another popular thing to give up is Facebook.
So this year I decided to give up watching new TV series online. Let me explain. This year I am in grad school, not working very much, and I have more time than I've ever had before. I have gotten into this terribly bad habit of watching TV shows online (normally on Netflix). I'll watch every season of a show in about a month (depending on the number of seasons). It's pretty bad. I get hooked. I want to know what's going to happen next, and since they are shows that have aired in the past I have that luxury! It's easy to get hooked on new shows, and since a large number of my closest friends graduated and left me in the dust last May I have a whole lot of down time. Now, I could be spending that time making new friends, investing in the friends I have here, reading good books, practicing guitar or flute, exercising, doing my homework, or any number of other activities. But I don't. I choose to spend my time secluded on my computer with my headphones in, living vicariously through other people. Some of the shows are good. Others are trash. That's not really the point. The point is that I'm watching other (fake) people live their (fake) lives rather than living my own life! I'm not even watching shows with other people and at least getting some semblance of community through that, instead I'm all alone. So that's my confession. I have a problem. My name is Elizabeth Stoker and I am a Netflix addict! Sooo in the spirit of Lent I decided to get rid of my obsession. That doesn't mean I'm not watching TV anymore. I still watch plenty of TV with my roommates, but only if it is on the TV. I think it's a pretty good thing to fast from for Lent, and maybe I'll continue it after Easter as well!
Still, while this 'fast' is a good thing to get me in greater relationship with Christ and those around me, I am not sure that it really gets at the heart of what a Lenten fast could truly be. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a step in the right direction. I think it's a good thing. I think God is pleased that I want to spend more time with him. I also think he wants more. So I googled Lent passages. I honestly didn't know if there were any. I'm still not sure that there are specific passages on Lent, but one passage did pop up on Google: Isaiah chapter 58.
I'm sure I've read this chapter before, but I'm not sure that I've READ it before. Did you know it talks all about fasting? In fact, the NIV titles this chapter "True Fasting." If that's not a chapter to read for Lent, I don't know what is! So I read it. And I was challenged. I was a little bit intimidated. I still am. Some of the things in this chapter I don't think I could ever do- or at least I didn't at first. How can I provide the poor wanderer with shelter? How can I fight injustice or set the oppressed free? What does it mean to not turn away from my own flesh and blood (family, is what it means I think)? What does it mean to DELIGHT in the Sabbath? How can I keep from doing as I please or speaking idle words?
To be honest, I'm not sure. But I do know that I can do some of these things and at the very least I can struggle to figure out what they mean. Isn't that what Lent is all about after all? Struggling with what our Lord's sacrifice means to us? Finding a way to say thank you? Preparing ourselves to once again really grasp the grace of God? You know, often people talk how how they are going to go on a 'fast.' This passage makes me think that fasting is not a one time deal, but rather a lifestyle. Not that occasional fasts from food or other things aren't valuable. Those types of fast focus me in a very unique way, and often I have found God reveals his character and will to me in those times. But this chapter challenges me to a much broader understanding of fasting than simply giving something up or taking on a new practice. It challenges me to a lifestyle more similar to that of Christ, and it gives me very practical ways I can do this.
I'm not saying my life has been transformed over night. Those who know me best (or live with me) know that I am NOT a very nice person a lot of the time. I'm a grouch. I'm selfish. I have a very small capacity to love. But those who know me best also know that this is not how I want to be. I want to love with Christ's love. I want to be transformed. But how much do I want it? Isaiah 58 has really got me thinking. Read it. See for yourself. It might just change how you view Lent and life in general!
Monday, January 23, 2012
The Lupine Lady
Last week in my TESOL class, I was reminded of a story from my childhood. I don't know about you, but for me books from my first years of reading somehow hold a special place in my heart and evoke emotions and thoughts from me that few other things are able to draw out. The book Miss Rumphius is just one of those stories. Here is an excerpt of the text:
My Great-aunt Alice, Miss Rumphius, is very old now. Her hair is very
My Great-aunt Alice, Miss Rumphius, is very old now. Her hair is very
white. Every year there are more and more lupines. Now they call her the
Lupine Lady. Sometimes my friends stand with me outside the gate, curious to
see the old, old lady who planted the fields of lupines. When she invites us in,
they come slowly. They think she is the oldest woman in the world. Often she
tells us stories of faraway places.
"When I grow up,"I tell her, "I too will go to faraway places and come
home to live by the sea."
"That is all very well, little Alice," says my aunt, "but there is a third thing
you must do."
"What is that?" I ask.
"You must do something to make the world more beautiful."
"All right, " I say.
The beauty of this text is multi-faceted. First of all, it is well-written. The author, Barbara Cooney, used literary techniques like book-ending and signal words to make this a text that is not only easy for young readers to follow but also subconsciously teaches them higher level writing skills. How crazy is that? As someone who is studying to teach others English, this book has earned my respect. At the same time, this story teaches a simple and yet profound truth: it is the job of each of us to visit the world and do something to make it more beautiful (and I happen to think living by the sea is also a great idea).
How would the world be different if each of us followed Aunt Alice's advice? As someone who grew up between cultures and wants to continue discovering the world, I can't help but think this is a good idea. Last time I posted, I discussed how God is represented in diversity, and here this theme is coming out again- it seems I just can't escape it! Reading this story inspires me. I want to live like Aunt Alice (and her grandfather)! I want to go to faraway places. I want to live by the sea (preferably Kribi in Cameroun?). I want to do something to make the world more beautiful. I don't know what that will be, but I'm on a journey of discovering what that is. Hopefully, I will have the pleasure of doing more than one thing to make the world more beautiful!
What about you? Are you traveling to far away places but never forgetting to come back to your roots? What are you doing to make the world more beautiful? I think I'll start by getting some sleep so I do my job well tomorrow :)
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Friendship as Mosaic
"True friendship doesn't demand that you be like me. True friendship asks only that you be who you are and I be who I am, and as we interact and get to know each other, that we honor and respect each other as human beings, complete in our imperfections before God." Mark D. Siljander
Have I posted about this quote before? I'm really not sure, but even if I have here it is again. It's funny I read A Deadly Misunderstanding about three years ago, and I'm not saying I endorse everything that Mark has to say, but this quote really got me thinking and hasn't stopped since. See deep down we're all prideful people, and it seems that no matter how hard I try to mend my ways I am convinced that MY way is the RIGHT way. I want my friends to be like me. I want to have the same interests, values, and opinions. But the more I think about it the less I think this is how it should be. That doesn't mean it's easy to change, but it does mean that there is a beauty worth searching for in being in relationship with people who are different from me.
The past month has been an interesting experience for me. Back in December I was living my normal post-grad life, comfortable at my job, church, and with my roommates. Then I went "home" for Christmas break and spent time with my family, whom I love but who maybe knows a different version of me. Next I came back to where I live now and since a friend from high school was getting married I had a bunch of other high school friends staying with me. Finally, I had some friends from college come to visit this past week. As I watched my worlds collide and said my goodbyes once again I couldn't help but think: What is it that makes all of these very different people so special to me? How is it that each of them, complete in all of their imperfections and cultural peculiarities, is such an integral part of me in all of my imperfections and cultural peculiarities? I'm pretty sure I haven't found the answer to this question, but I'm also sure that this quote has some bearing on it.
The relationships in my life that are the most meaningful are not necessarily the ones with people who think or act like me. Differences in values, religion, and hobbies make the people around me a beautiful mosaic that in my opinion reflects the image of God. This mosaic is at its best when I do not try to change the people around me but rather choose to respect them, be myself when I am with them, and maybe, just maybe even learn from them!
My friend who got married last week is about as white as you can get. He married a beautiful young latina who has a passion for her people and their culture. Both of them share a passion for social justice and their faith. At their reception someone called them an "interracial dynamic duo." We all laughed at this overly dramatic representation of them, but the truth is that the person who labeled them as this is right. This new marriage is strong and beautiful because it is a representation of the Kingdom and Spirit of God. These two people have chosen to accept one another and respect their differences while at the same time allowing themselves to be shaped by the other. I can't think of anything more in line with the diversity of our Creator.
So here I am at the beginning of a new year just having witnessed the collision of just about every sphere of my life musing about what relationships are and who I want to be in relation to other people. I'm far from there, but I hope that each day will bring me one step closer to being a true friend, honoring my fellow human beings and embracing all of mine and their imperfections before God.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Jumping In
The past couple of weeks have been pretty crazy for me in all areas surrounding my pending career in TESOL and future plans. In one sense life is pretty simple right now. I am going to school to get my M.A. in TESOL and working so that I don't have to take out as many loans. Next year I am going to live with my parents in Vista since they'll be on home assignment, so I don't have to stress too much about that. Still there are a lot of decisions to be made, changes to take in, and dreams to dream.
Currently I am on the hunt for a job. After working in the cafeteria at APU for the past 4 1/2 years, it is finally time to move on. I've tried to move on a few other times, but I think now it's finally going to happen! A part of me is sad to leave the people I've built relationships with there, but if I'm being honest I am more than ready to move on to another phase in life. I have a couple of other part time jobs that I'll probably keep on, but what I'm really searching for at the moment is a job teaching ESL somewhere. I have a couple of leads and interviews lined up, so I'm slightly encouraged, but it's also an overwhelming and somewhat discouraging task. See, it's hard to get a job teaching if you don't already have teaching experience. Because of this, chances are I'll have to take a lower paying job (thus slightly damaging my budget) just so that I can get the experience I need to get those other jobs I'll want in the future. This also probably means long commutes. Bummer. But while I am a bit discouraged about this, I'm also excited to finally be doing it. I'm finally trying to get into the field I am studying, and I'm excited to apply all I've been learning in my classes! I'm about half way done with the program so I think it's about time I actually jump in to the field!
Another exciting and extremely intimidating opportunity I have is to design a course curriculum in one of my classes. Most students do this for a somewhat hypothetical setting, but I've chosen to work with Mary Wong, Ph.D. (the head of APU's field based and online TESOL programs) on developing a course for a new university she is involved in starting up. Medes American University is going to be an American Christian university located in Erbil, Iraq (or Kurdistan depending on your political persuasion). I've already done quite a bit of research on the location in order to get a feel for the context of who I am going to be designing this course for and I am excited to jump in and get working on this course. Like I said, I'm incredibly intimidated by the possibility of actually designing a course, but I am humbled and excited to get the opportunity to work alongside Mary and others in order to gain this valuable experience.
While I'm busy jumping in to those two areas of my life, I am trying incredibly hard not to get ahead of myself with the future. The truth is I'm antsy. I'm tired of living in Azusa, and I just realized this week that I have lived more consecutive years in Azusa than anywhere else in my life. Of course, I left for most of the summers, but still... There are so many other interesting places in the world that I want to go. I want to travel home to Congo and Cameroun, I want to visit all sorts of other places in Africa, I want to go to Korea to visit old friends, Japan to see where some of my best friends grew up, and many other places in Asia as well, I want to go to South America (and especially to Bolivia), I want to go back to Europe and explore places I have never been as well as return to Romania (a place that captured my heart 3 1/2 years ago), I want to go to Egypt and experience life there (and see the pyramids), I want to go to the Holy Land, and now I want to go to Kurdistan too! Basically the more I meet people from different places and friends of mine spread out over the world the more places I add to my "to go" list. And yet here I am... still in California. I'm sure there is a reason for it, and I know I'm learning a lot, but sometimes it's hard.
Sometimes I just want to jump in to that next phase of life and forget the preparation... and then I remember something I reflected on this past semester and summer. I am in a preparation phase and it is important. If even Jesus had to prepare 30 years for 3 years of ministry, then I think I can do with a few more years of preparation. The trick is to make sure I actually use my time of preparation and don't just let it pass by. So as I'm waiting to travel the world and see how my life turns out I'm trying to jump in right where I am. Most of the time it goes really well, but right now it's a bit difficult to keep that perspective. Oh well, I guess I'm allowed my moments :)
Currently I am on the hunt for a job. After working in the cafeteria at APU for the past 4 1/2 years, it is finally time to move on. I've tried to move on a few other times, but I think now it's finally going to happen! A part of me is sad to leave the people I've built relationships with there, but if I'm being honest I am more than ready to move on to another phase in life. I have a couple of other part time jobs that I'll probably keep on, but what I'm really searching for at the moment is a job teaching ESL somewhere. I have a couple of leads and interviews lined up, so I'm slightly encouraged, but it's also an overwhelming and somewhat discouraging task. See, it's hard to get a job teaching if you don't already have teaching experience. Because of this, chances are I'll have to take a lower paying job (thus slightly damaging my budget) just so that I can get the experience I need to get those other jobs I'll want in the future. This also probably means long commutes. Bummer. But while I am a bit discouraged about this, I'm also excited to finally be doing it. I'm finally trying to get into the field I am studying, and I'm excited to apply all I've been learning in my classes! I'm about half way done with the program so I think it's about time I actually jump in to the field!
Another exciting and extremely intimidating opportunity I have is to design a course curriculum in one of my classes. Most students do this for a somewhat hypothetical setting, but I've chosen to work with Mary Wong, Ph.D. (the head of APU's field based and online TESOL programs) on developing a course for a new university she is involved in starting up. Medes American University is going to be an American Christian university located in Erbil, Iraq (or Kurdistan depending on your political persuasion). I've already done quite a bit of research on the location in order to get a feel for the context of who I am going to be designing this course for and I am excited to jump in and get working on this course. Like I said, I'm incredibly intimidated by the possibility of actually designing a course, but I am humbled and excited to get the opportunity to work alongside Mary and others in order to gain this valuable experience.
While I'm busy jumping in to those two areas of my life, I am trying incredibly hard not to get ahead of myself with the future. The truth is I'm antsy. I'm tired of living in Azusa, and I just realized this week that I have lived more consecutive years in Azusa than anywhere else in my life. Of course, I left for most of the summers, but still... There are so many other interesting places in the world that I want to go. I want to travel home to Congo and Cameroun, I want to visit all sorts of other places in Africa, I want to go to Korea to visit old friends, Japan to see where some of my best friends grew up, and many other places in Asia as well, I want to go to South America (and especially to Bolivia), I want to go back to Europe and explore places I have never been as well as return to Romania (a place that captured my heart 3 1/2 years ago), I want to go to Egypt and experience life there (and see the pyramids), I want to go to the Holy Land, and now I want to go to Kurdistan too! Basically the more I meet people from different places and friends of mine spread out over the world the more places I add to my "to go" list. And yet here I am... still in California. I'm sure there is a reason for it, and I know I'm learning a lot, but sometimes it's hard.
Sometimes I just want to jump in to that next phase of life and forget the preparation... and then I remember something I reflected on this past semester and summer. I am in a preparation phase and it is important. If even Jesus had to prepare 30 years for 3 years of ministry, then I think I can do with a few more years of preparation. The trick is to make sure I actually use my time of preparation and don't just let it pass by. So as I'm waiting to travel the world and see how my life turns out I'm trying to jump in right where I am. Most of the time it goes really well, but right now it's a bit difficult to keep that perspective. Oh well, I guess I'm allowed my moments :)
Sunday, November 13, 2011
The Help
At first glance this book should really have nothing to do with me. It is a story of three women in Jackson, Mississippi during the civil rights era. It shares the everyday lives of these three women and their journey to try and change their world. What the women of this book seek is justice, and what the author of it seeks is to bring light to a difficult situation and honor her "help" growing up. I guess in a way that is what I want to do here.
No, I did not grow up in Jackson, Mississippi. I did not even grow up in the United States, let alone the South. I grew up in Zaire and Cameroun, Central Africa. There was no civil rights movement when I was growing up (or now for that matter), but I did have "help" all through my growing up years. Specifically we called them "househelp," "yard guys," and "guards." To many people who grow up in the US now this book talks about a very foreign concept, having someone in your house every day cooking and cleaning, but for me it hit pretty close to home.
No, the situations are not identical, and I truly believe that my parents treat our "help" with the respect they deserve as equal human beings, but what I can say is that there is something about my childhood that resonates with this book. I never had a nanny that I can remember, but I can remember key moments in my life that I shared with Robert, Mary-Jean, Elise, and Christian. For instance, Robert taught me to sing (and love it) and used to let me spend hours shelling peanuts with him (I'm pretty sure I ate more than I actually shelled). I haven't seen this man since I was in second grade, if I saw him now I probably would not recognize him, and yet he holds a special place in my heart always. This is one of the good moments that is talked about in the book. The bond that is created between the "help" and the children. It is a bond that you hope can never be broken, but sadly often is.
My family in Zaire with our "help."
Robert is the one standing next to my dad in the back.
This book made me nostalgic for the good times, for a childhood I remember through rose-colored glasses, and yet this is not all it did. See, what this book shares is that the greatest fear of the "help" is when the child they help raise turns on them. I don't think I ever truly did this. I believe my parents raised me right, to not see our workers as any less human or valuable than me, but just like every other teenager... well, I had my moments. I remember one specific time in junior high when I yelled at Elise because she wouldn't let me eat something she was making in the kitchen that I wanted (probably a tortilla or the end off of the uncooked cinnamon rolls she was making). I remember feeling like it was okay to yell at Elise because she was only our househelp. I pray that was the only time I felt that way, but to this day it haunts me.
Perhaps one of the reasons it bothers me is this: Elise was francophone and I was anglophone. I was never able to properly communicate with Elise, and I will never have the chance. Elise died of cancer when I was a senior in high school. Elise taught me how to make tortillas, cinnamon rolls, and bieroques, but more than that Elise would sing. I never was able to really talk with Elise, to communicate in the way I would have liked, so I don't know for sure what she believed, but every day when she would iron Elise used to turn on the radio and sing along to worship music. I know her life was not easy, but in her way she was a witness to me. Even though I can never tell her how much she meant to me, I will never forget her. I will never forget the last time I saw her healthy (about a month before she died- I guess her cancer was in remission), I remember sitting by her bedside just before she died not even recognizing the woman who lay before me because she was so frail, and I remember attending her funeral and listening to her mother wail- wishing I could do the same.
It's odd how a book like this can stir up so many emotions in me, a person so far removed from the context of the story, but it did. My heart was stirred to remember the good times and the bad. The things I have learned and the things I regret. The things I am thankful for and the things I wish I could change. Maybe this isn't the book to do that for you, but I pray that today you would have the joy (and pain) of looking back at the people who have shaped you and be grateful for all you have been given. I know I am.
So this is thank you. To Robert, Mary-Jean, Elise, Christian and all the other people along the way. I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for them. I'm sorry for the times I failed them, but I pray that my life would make them proud of the person they helped make me into. I love each of them with my whole heart.
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